i think i have two assholes
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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