this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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