He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
