Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
