remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I did not marry a roomba.
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