Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
