Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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