i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
