I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
