dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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