omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
