I puked a lego.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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