More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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