the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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