I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
