We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
