I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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