I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
