I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
