Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
