just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
