You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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