She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
