Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
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Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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