did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Im part way to drunk.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
