the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
