I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
