Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
