Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
