he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
