well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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