theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
