Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
