Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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