i would punch a child for taco bell
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
