Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
