She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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