your parents love me but you hate me
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
