three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
