end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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