yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
