...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
