My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
your like the ambassador to my penis.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
