Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
