Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The best revenge is premature balding
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
