um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
