I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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