you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
