A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
