sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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