It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
