I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I deserve this hangover.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
