Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
