Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
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My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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