it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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