she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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