We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
