24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
