Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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