he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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