Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
