i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
