Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
