Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
