WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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